Oh daddy! What's that horrible thing?
"Oh daddy! What's that horrible thing?" Natalie's face twisted in a grimace and turned away from the horror as if it were too gruesome to bare.
My eight year old daughter was out of school on vacation and going with me to Hacienda Barú for a few days. The year was 1974. I was surprised at the intensity of her revulsion. "Honey, that's not so horrible. It's just an iguana."
"But daddy, it was so sooo ugly, ugh."
"Really they aren't," I insisted. "They won't hurt you and they're fun to watch. You should see Orlando's kids chase them. Iguanas can run fast, but they tire quickly. If the boys can't chase them down, they stone them to death."
"What for?" Queried Natalie.
"For food." I replied.
"Come on daddy, don't joke about it. That's sickening. Who would eat one of those awful things? "
"I'm not joking honey. I've eaten iguana meat. It tastes like tough chicken, but juicer. In fact the people around here call it "gallina de palo" in Spanish.
Natalie's jaw dropped, her face faded to a chalky expression of stunned disbelief. "Daddy, stop the car! Right now! I mean it!"
I hesitated a second, but the sickly green tint to her cheeks convinced me. I stopped in time for her to make it outside, but just barely. After recovering from her bout of nausea Natalie explained what had turned her stomach. The previous Sunday she had joined her friend Isabel's family on an outing to Puntarenas Beach. One of the things they had eaten was "gallina de palo," which means "tree chicken" in English.
Today, approaching middle age, Natalie no longer finds iguanas repulsive, but instead has learned to appreciate them as an integral part of tropical nature. So let's have a closer look at these dinosaur-like reptiles. But first its important to understand that there are two kinds of iguanas in our region, the black or spiny tailed iguana and the green iguana. In this essay, I will be talking only about the green iguana, which, in addition to "gallina de palo" is also called "güirriza," locally. The Latin name is "Iguana iguana." They sometime grow as long as a man is tall, are colored with varying hues of green, have vertical black bands on their tails and spines down the ridge of their backs.
If you'd like to see a gallina de palo, your best bet is to carefully scan the treetops. They prefer trees at the edge of a river or other body of water. When threatened the iguana will dive into the water and hide on the bottom where it may remain submerged for several minutes. Hacienda Barú partner, Steve Stroud once watched an unlucky iguana dive into an estuary, and practically into the jaws of a waiting caiman. Reflecting on the experience, Steve, who had been watching the alligator-like caiman, thinks that it was stalking the iguana, which was moving around in the branches overhead. When the iguana jumped, the caiman swam rapidly forward about one meter to the point of impact and snatched the smaller reptile the moment it hit the surface.
Since the iguana's diet consists mostly of leaves, it is logical that it should spend much of its time in trees. Additionally the uppermost branches are an ideal location for sunbathing, which the iguana does frequently by stretching out leisurely on the topside of limbs. Biologists believe that microbes in the iguana's gut, which assist with digestion, function best at relatively high temperatures. The constant sunning is for the purpose of raising the bodily temperature to favor the microbes and facilitate digestion of the fibrous leaves. Even though these interesting reptiles feel at home in the crowns of trees, they are not entirely safe from danger there.
In two occasions, workers at Hacienda Barú National Wildlife Refuge have observed white-faced capuchin monkeys (Cebus capucinus) kill and eat iguanas. In one such incident the victim, an egg laden female was ripped open while she was still alive. The primates devoured the eggs before eating her flesh. Also, I read a report by a biologist who witnessed a lone capuchin monkey break off an iguana's tail and eat it while the tail less lizard scuttled away. Still, the treetops have fewer predators than the ground, and is a safer place to be. When it descends from its lofty perch, the iguana never strays far from the trees.
When cornered on the ground an iguana is a formidable fighter and will bite and lash out with its tail. If aggression fails, the iguana's next ploy is feigned death, a tactic that is often used when caught by a domestic dog. We used to have a Doberman named "Rambo," who loved to chase iguanas. During the egg-laying season from January to March, the female iguanas spend a lot of time on the ground where they dig tunnels and lay their eggs.
That time of year was seventh heaven for Rambo who several times a week came trotting up to the house with a limp-bodied iguana in his mouth. Eventually he would drop his prize on the ground so he could catch his breath. When this happened I waited for an opportunity to steal the apparently dead reptile from the panting dog. The theft accomplished, I held the iguana high above my head, out of Rambo's reach, walked to the nearest tree, and placed its belly against the trunk. The feel of the rough tree bark always revived catatonic iguana enough for it to grab on. It remained motionless until Rambo lost interest and wandered off. Then the iguana scurried up the tree like nothing had ever happened.
This routine with Rambo became a ritual. I think Rambo knew I would eventually get the iguana away from him, but he played the game anyway. Probably the fun was in the chase and capture. Once in a while Rambo did kill and eat the iguanas he caught, but he did it out of our sight, probably to avoid a scolding. He couldn't hide his foul deed, however, because there was always some telltale evidence. We called them iguana farts, and they were enough to drive everyone out of the house, literally. Rambo got locked outside for about three days after eating an iguana. Fortunately this happened only about twice each year. I assure you that I'm not exaggerating about the potency of iguana farts. They were beyond description.
This all took place in the early 1980s, a turbulent time politically for Central America. Costa Rica remained peaceful but suffered the spill-over of violence from other countries especially Nicaragua. The Costa Rican Civil Guard was not sufficient to keep the Nicaraguan civil war on the northern side of the border, and troops from both sides of that war often crossed into Costa Rican territory regularly. We used to joke that we could get an air compressor and compress Rambo's iguana farts into land mines and mine the northern border.
We speculated that any soldier who stepped on one would just throw down his weapon and go home, totally demoralized. We also thought that it would be very appropriate for peace loving Costa Rica to develop this non-lethal weapon with the potential to end all war by dissuading soldiers rather than killing people. Of course none of us truly believed that this would happen. It was simply a fantasy we talked about every time Rambo ate an iguana.
While all of this was going on, a young college student named Luis Carlos was staying at Hacienda Barú, working on a biology project. I remember that Luis Carlos was obsessed with our little joke about the compressed iguana farts. At the time I didn't think much about his obsession, but when viewed in relation to subsequent events it gained certain significance. Luis Carlos was a bit of a revolutionary and, as I remember, Fidel Castro and Muammar al-Qaddafi were his heroes. I figured this was nothing more than a typical passing phase of student political fervor and didn't give it any further thought, until much later.
Up to this point, I can vouch for the validity of everything in this article, but from this paragraph forward things get a little bizarre. All I can do is report what I've heard and read and you will have to form your own opinion.
About a year after Luis Carlos left Hacienda Barú one of my workers mentioned having seen him. According to the worker, the young biologist was with some other people who were capturing iguanas, and loading them in cages in the back of a truck. At first, I assumed that they were students capturing a few samples for biological research, but my man said there were too many iguanas. He estimated that there were at least ten thousand young iguanas in the back of the truck. I remember thinking that this was odd, because Luis Carlos was an avid environmentalist and would never knowingly engage in illicit animal traffic.
Upon further questioning about the iguana hunters my worker told me that Luis Carlos was with another man who everyone called by the name Abdullah. At first I thought that sounded odd, but later decided that Abdullah was probably an Iranian, many of whom were residing in Costa Rica at that time. "It must be the illicit pet trade." I thought. But, Luis Carlos' presence was puzzling. A few years earlier the pet trade had become a serious threat to iguana populations. Juvenile iguanas were captured in large quantities and allegedly exported to North America to be sold in pet shops. This commercialization of the species became so serious that the green iguana is now listed in Appendix II of the CITES treaty, which restricts trading of endangered species and their body parts.
The next day a neighbor shed some more light on the situation. The iguana hunters were offering to pay about a dollar for each baby iguana. An American woman named Daisy Castermen was helping them recruit people willing to capture iguanas for money. Daisy had been around this area for about ten years. She tended to change husbands or lovers about as often as most people change underwear. When I first met her she was Jewish, but later embraced Catholicism. Then a few years ago she converted to Islam, divorced her sixth husband, married a guy named Abdullah, and moved to Jordan. I know not if her husband is the same Abdullah who was capturing iguanas with Luis Carlos.
The iguana hunters were only in the area for a week and never returned, but it took the iguana population about ten years to fully recover. I had all but forgotten about Luis Carlos and Abdullah until mid-January 2003 when a friend sent me an e-mail with a link to the web site of a middle eastern news agency called something like "Al Bizarra." The report spoke of rumors about a chemical weapons plant at a secret location somewhere in the middle east. Concrete information was sketchy, but it was said that the chemical agent was organic and derived from a Central American reptile. It also mentioned that the plant was so secret and security so tight, that it was allegedly guarded by half a million Dobermans.
I'm sure most of you have read an offbeat newspaper at one time or another. Internet has greatly facilitated the dissemination of information and provides a medium for unconventional reports of all kinds. Articles from an electronic news report that calls itself the "Baloney Sandwich," get forwarded to me from time to time, and in spite of the ridiculous name, it comes up with some amazingly accurate scoops.
Just a few days ago they started with a series of reports that are obviously related to the Al Bizarra release. On January 23, 2003, Baloney Sandwich told us that the Pentagon was in a dither over a novel weapon system that would "end war forever." One Pentagon official who asked to remain anonymous was quoted as saying, "This weapon of mass demoralization is definitely an Al Qaeda plot. The consequences could be far worse than 911." The next day, the same offbeat newspaper reported that a UN source had disclosed information about a suspected new weapon, called the I Bomb, which had been developed in the middle east.
Reportedly it was non-lethal but would cause soldiers to desert en masse. How it would do this was not explained. Jordan was mentioned as one possible location for the covert weapons plant. The following day Baloney Sandwich quoted Saddam Hussein as saying that the reports about a secret weapon were a CIA plot to discredit Iraq. He also implied that US soldiers were afraid of Iraqi soldiers and that the I Bomb rumor was a ruse allowing them to save face while backing down.
On January 31, Baloney Sandwich reported that a US State Department source had disclosed that top government officials are in a near state of panic over the I Bomb. When asked why politicians are so upset about a weapon that doesn't kill, the official blurted out: "For God's sake man, think about it. The I Bomb would bring an end to war. Do you have any idea how many tens of billions of dollars we have already invested in preparation for war with Iraq.
This means we can't have the war. The I Bomb will be the end of the weapons industry. Millions of Americans will be jobless. And another thing, we won't get all that petroleum. How would you like to see the price of gasoline go up to five, six or even seven dollars a gallon like it is in Europe? We would have to drive those puny little economy cars and, God save us, invest in research on alternative energy sources." When asked what the administration proposed to do about the I Bomb, the official replied, "We want to buy the patent. The only problem is, we don't know who owns it, but we'll find out and buy it no matter what the cost. Then we'll bury it. We can't let this get out. It will mean the end of business, as we know it!"
There you have it -- the Iguana Conspiracy. Could it be true? I guess you'll just have to make up your own minds. If true, it's another example of Mother Nature's amazing capacity to harbor solutions to planetary problems. And I bet all those jobless weapons industry employees could get work in the alternative energy industry.
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